September 18th, 2006 Shrink Appointment
Thu 8/31/06: Sweaty, anxious. Comprehension is terrible as are analytical skills. I have a work problem I don’t know how to begin resolving. Scared to death. Every new task or question I get throws me over the edge. Took Geodon with Adderal this morning. I guess I won’t taper the Geodon despite it not seeming to do anything. I panic. I don’t have panic attacks per se. Trying to do a web based class; can’t remember anything.
Fri 9/1/06: I had so hoped I’d be better by now. Catastrophizing: I used to be the one who always told my brother to try to look on the bright side. How did I get to this state? Don’t know how I get through each day. Today is already looming as a horror story. What a nightmare! Continue to be overwhelmed by sharpness of people around me compared to myself. Such a beautiful afternoon and I can’t enjoy it.
Wed 9/6/06: Came in to work today but am in a very bad way. Can't stop sweating. Don't know how I will survive the day. The holiday weekend I seemed to deteriorate badly. Dr Whang seems very knowledgeable and competent. He put me on a Lamictal/Nortriptyline combo. Am very, very frightened.
Thu 9/7/06: Same stuff different day. Seem worse day by day.
Sat 9/9/06: I feel I can’t do anything anymore. Anxiety level is through the roof. I feel utterly broken. Taken off Nortriptyline due to side effects. Can’t remember which day.
Sun 9/10/06: I don’t think I will be able to go to work any more. Dr. Whang is pressing me to take benzos during the day and 5 mg Zyprexa at night to ward off side-effects of 5 mg of Lexapro. (Or so I thought. I guess it’s for obsessiveness.) I am so full of doubts about this. Forgotten completely how to live. My memory is so shot.
Mon 9/11/06: I couldn’t go to work, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to again. I feel utterly shattered.
Tue 9/12/06: Can’t go to work. Feel worse than ever. I don’t know if I will ever be able to work again. I just feel doom and gloom on the horizon.
Wed 9/13/06: Feel as bad as I ever have. I see only disaster looming. Can’t go to work. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Even my sense of balance seems off. So confused. Can’t organize anything or do anything without messing up. Every time I think of work I panic.
Sat 9/16/06: ECT? Oh man! I can’t organize my way out of a paper bag, and I don’t know what to do about Short Term Disability, and the IRS is back with a vengeance, and my Dad may have Cancer. DREAD!